Dialog

The scene opens on Kassia experimenting with centrifugal forces by spinning her macaroni and cheese bowl around on the counter with her fork... Mom watches dubiously.

Mom: Be careful with that... it's going to go flying.

Kassia: (starts singing to herself; continues spinning bowl which does, of course, go flying...)

Mom: (getting down on hands and knees to clean up the macaroni and cheese) Grrr. Are you a menace??

Kassia: Yep. That's ok. That's my job! (resumes singing)

End scene

November Haiku

acrid tomato-
smell of dry vines uprooted
autumn's desolation

a few rasping leaves;
a snail's green shell, abandoned
whisper in the chill

Friday. In a BIG Way.

OK. This week has been a complete nightmare.

No, my house didn't burn down... nothing was stolen... no accidents or illness (well, not for me and mine anyway, but more on that momentarily), or marital strife. This week was simply a stress-fest. A shining example of how cutting too many corners always leaves somebody painted into one.

(Warning... this journal is about to get all tech-y and work-related. If you're still here, you might want to have a comfy pillow handy since it's probably not of much interest to anybody but my stressed out self... lol!)

I work for a small IT company. Did I say small? That's much too generous. Let's try..... tiny. No... not quite. microscopic! Yes, that's the word I'm looking for. I say I work for the company, but I'm actually part owner... albeit a pretty small part. At present, there are exactly two of us here on a full time basis with a constantly rotating retinue of contractors doing everything from design, to development to network stuff. Contractors are good. They are very helpful when you're stuck for someone to do a given task. They are absolutely worthless when you need someone to "remember that project we were working on last spring?" That said, usually things run pretty smoothly. I handle all things development. My partner handles all things network-business-y. It works. He's a great schmoozer. He makes the best first impression you'll ever get (the French accent helps). He's also pretty good in that tangle of wires and menacing blinking boxes that populate our server room.

Network... LAN, WAN, IP, DNS, reverse DNS, A record, MX record, start this service, stop that service, open this port, close that port...

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it! I don't want to know!!!! I just want to come in and hide in my cluttered office and write my if...then loops!

Last Friday, with the help of some of the aforementioned contractors, we did a major network overhaul. Without getting too tech-y, this involved a whole new batch of IP addresses for all of our clients and us. Ugly under the best of circumstances. Again. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. I already know more than I ever wanted to! I can feel bits of useful information dropping out of the back of my head every time I learn more about it!

I came in on Monday morning to a voice mail message from my partner. He's got pneumonia. O.M.G. I get to work at 7:30. By 8:01 the phones were ringing off the hook.

"I can't send/receive email."
"I can't see my website."
"I can't ftp into my site."

WTF??! This was supposed to be DONE! I get on the phone with the consulting company and it takes me an hour just to get in touch with one of the guys who was actually here! Nobody knows nuthin'. They don't want to come back. God forbid they finish what they started! They'd rather walk ME through their diagnostics and repairs on the phone!!

This has gone on ALL WEEK. It's Friday and I have got NONE of my own work done, plus I've made myself look like an inept idiot for 5 days as I BS clients trying to sound like I know what the *)*&^^! is wrong with their email. Have I mentioned the boat-loads of verbal abuse heaped on me by those clients? That's been especially nice.

It's going to be even nicer next Monday when I have to explain to all my development clients (you know, the ones whose projects have been in the drawer all week?) why their projects are now a week behind!! I'd say I'll have to work from home all weekend, but...

I CAN'T CONNECT TO THE NETWORK!!!

Me

I get annoyed with myself when I write here's-how-I-feel today entries. They all seem to have escaped from high-school journals... the ones you wrote when you still believed that writing could change something. Anyway... here I go on this self-examination trip because I just feel like this stuff has been bumping around in my head for too long. (There's that word... "feel". Ick.)

So. How do I feel? Gray. Someone said that to me once and the image stuck. That person said that they felt as if there was a gray cloth draped over the world. I feel like there's a gray cloth draped over me.

"Me". Closed for the season.

All the things that I thought defined me are gone. The ones that remain don't seem to matter any more, and other things are much more important now. I waited too long to make the shift. When I made it, the shift was too abrupt. Too much got lost in the move. Music. Worthless. My daughter doesn't even want to hear me sing any more, and it's not like I have the time to go out and audition for something. Acting. ibid. I seem to remember travelling and taking language classes. I seem to remember being a fairly good converationalist. Not any more. Unless we're talking about kids, or .Net... and even then the well runs dry fairly quickly.


I don't look like the Me I remember. I've grown older in the past two years than in the 39 that went before. I feel old. I never did before. It's absolutely terrifying. I remember feeling attractive. Now I feel completely disconnected from myself physically, or worse, I feel like I'm apologizing for myself. (Now, that's something I do remember... circa 1979... age 13.)

I think I used to like Me. I want to remember why.

Brave

Kassia said the strangest thing last night...

It was bed time and she was running through her usual litany of reasons why she can't go to sleep quite yet...

"I have to go potty"
"I can't find [insert name of toy here]."

and the last ditch effort...

"Mimi, I want to tell you something... [insert whichever thought that happens to be in her head at this moment]"

Well, last night she said "Mimi, I want you to tell me something..." So I went back over and told her "You are the bestest, smartest, prettiest girl in the whole world, and I love you very, very much." (Ok... so I'm biased... ;-)

Here's the strange part.

She put her hands on either side of my head and said "Mimi, you're brave."

After a quick doubletake I asked her "Why?" and she just disolved into giggles and said "Becuase you're........... good!"

I gave her a kiss, said "good night" and closed the door.

I can't imagine she really has a handle on what "brave" means... I mean, she's heard the word, but it's not one we use very often. It was just a strange little moment. She seemed much older than her years.

Screeeeeeeeaaaaaming!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

LAAAAA LAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

I was just reading a blog somewhere by a mom who says her "nerves are bleeding" because her toddler screams all the time... for no apparant reason. I know I'm supposed to shake my head in empathy... but when my daughter hits that high E over C, (and you just have to see the look on her face when she does it -- somewhere between mischief and triumph), I have to say it just makes me smile... No. It makes me GRIN. It makes me giggle. To be honest... it makes me want to join her!

Yes, I know I should give her some wise and constructive line about "inside voices", but I just can't bring myself to squash the joy that just bursts out of her as she discovers being alive.

Serenade

This guy has been sitting on my window ledge for almost 30 minutes now making the funniest gurgling noises you ever heard!