My Move

We spend a lot of time looking for houses. Online. Driving around. Just looking. Sometimes it's just a form of retail therapy; the shopping. Sometimes I am ambiguous about moving, though I know it must happen fairly soon. Sometimes I feel I cannot spend another night in that house. Lately, it's not so much disliking where we are, rather, it is an intense desire to be elsewhere. Where we are is not bad, but it is not where I want to be. I have taken everything from the city that it can offer me. I think. Now my whole soul screams for days spent gardening and the sounds of children and crickets playing in backyards in the evening. I don't remember a "nesting" phase while I was pregnant. Maybe this feeling is that phase, belated. (Why is every phase in my life "belated"?)

I had the opportunity, over the summer, to revisit my former self. I made a cd in September and and spent quite a few hours rehearsing in practice rooms at the NE Conservatory (not my conservatory, but close enough). Sometimes the best part was simply getting to and from my rehearsals. It was a feeling of freedom I once took for granted, but had long forgotten. Just me. Doing my thing. But of course, each rehearsal ended up with me at home, in this new life... which is a good life... but a stunningly different life from the one I had before... and the contrast has made me more aware than ever of this nagging feeling of being in the wrong place. Where we are doesn't match the life we're living. I feel like I can't be happy in this life unless I am also happy where I am living it. Maybe. Maybe I just feel like I'm performing a play on the wrong set.

Of course this is all wound up with my job. Which will take me slowly nowhere.

Time is wasting.