Me

I get annoyed with myself when I write here's-how-I-feel today entries. They all seem to have escaped from high-school journals... the ones you wrote when you still believed that writing could change something. Anyway... here I go on this self-examination trip because I just feel like this stuff has been bumping around in my head for too long. (There's that word... "feel". Ick.)

So. How do I feel? Gray. Someone said that to me once and the image stuck. That person said that they felt as if there was a gray cloth draped over the world. I feel like there's a gray cloth draped over me.

"Me". Closed for the season.

All the things that I thought defined me are gone. The ones that remain don't seem to matter any more, and other things are much more important now. I waited too long to make the shift. When I made it, the shift was too abrupt. Too much got lost in the move. Music. Worthless. My daughter doesn't even want to hear me sing any more, and it's not like I have the time to go out and audition for something. Acting. ibid. I seem to remember travelling and taking language classes. I seem to remember being a fairly good converationalist. Not any more. Unless we're talking about kids, or .Net... and even then the well runs dry fairly quickly.


I don't look like the Me I remember. I've grown older in the past two years than in the 39 that went before. I feel old. I never did before. It's absolutely terrifying. I remember feeling attractive. Now I feel completely disconnected from myself physically, or worse, I feel like I'm apologizing for myself. (Now, that's something I do remember... circa 1979... age 13.)

I think I used to like Me. I want to remember why.