I need; I want...

...in no particular order:

1. A day off. I think if I can have this one, I can wait on all the others. I haven't had a whole day off since before my daughter was born. (That's two years ago...) A couple of times (2? 3?) my husband and I took a day off together which is nice... but not really a day off. I just need a whole day to myself.
2. Brian's green card to come through. They've been making us jump through hoops for almost 3 years. He's a nice, gainfully employed, tax-paying boy from Ireland with a wife, child and house -- enough is enough already!
3. For us to move out of the city... or at least far enough out of the city that our daughter can have a yard to play in. Parks are nice, but not quite the same. I want to hear crickets at night -- not college students partying (boy am I getting OLD -- lol!). It would be really nice to be closer to my family too. Obviously, this one depends on #2...
4. To come up with more options for dinner that all three of us will eat.
5. A new job. It was always a small company; now it's microscopic. I'm doing the work of whole teams of developers. Too much pressure. Too much stress. My hands hurt.
6. To have hip-replacement surgery (arthritis at 41, soooo not cool). I'm already scheduled for this, but I have to wait 'til June. I also need to know that Kassia will understand why Mommy can't pick her up for 4 weeks or so. My heart breaks every time I think about it.
7. To go camping again. Soon. Maybe this summer with Kassia???
8. To do more travelling... before I get too old.

Brunch

There’s a new(ish) café in town. It’s called Eye-something… or I-something; I can’t remember. Supposedly it’s very hip and trendy with the local college crowd.

Hear that? That’s the first set of warning bells ringing… Brian and I, no matter how cool we are at 40-something, are no longer part of the aforementioned hip, trendy, college crowd. Neither, at this tender point in her youth is Kassia.

Brian, however, has been pestering me to go to this place ever since it opened, and this past Sunday he decided it would be the perfect place for family brunch. Ok. Granted, I haven’t actually been there. For all I know it might actually be the coolest place in S-ville! Still, with its reputation of overstuffed beaded chairs, dim lighting and students huddled over the glow of their laptops… well, it just didn’t seem to be the sort of place that would take kindly to our very energetic 2-year-old.

When he emerged from the bathroom that morning, proclaiming his grand idea, Brian was in his hipster best: inky dark green cords, black T… (hmmm… it looks better than it sounds.) I, on the other hand, looked a bit like an LL Bean catalog that somebody fished out of the trash. No-nonsense, flannel & jeans -- not cool, ripped flannel, either – I looked like somebody’s mom. Which, of course, I am!

Let me stop here and say that I, personally, would love to spend an evening with coffee and grownup conversation in this place! I’ve still got a few black t-shirts! (hmph.) As much as I adore our daughter, not a day goes by that I don’t long for those walks through the North End or Beacon Hill and late dinners that lasted ‘til midnight. However… there are simply some things that don’t work with a toddler, and even if you do manage to get away with trying them (meaning you escape with your dinner consumed and without a major meltdown), the experience just isn’t the same. ..And wishing they would work just won’t make it so…

I wish Brian would come to understand that. It’s so much better to just be in whatever moment you’re in without trying to make it into something it’s not. It makes me sad that he’s so discontented. It makes me even sadder to know that someday he will be looking back at these moments and wishing he were still in them.

I suppose I ought to get to the part that makes me sound less Zen and well-adjusted… Back to the bathroom door.

When he ever suggested going to that café… again… my defenses snapped up. Oh for Christ’s sake! Can’t you just grow up so we can go have breakfast?? I know I should have tried to be more receptive to the idea, but I just couldn't, so I made a big, cranky, passive-aggressive show of "Sure, honey, whatever you want." and that set the tone for the rest of the weekend. Yuck.

The final irony was that the damn place wasn't even open for brunch! We then tramped all over town, with Brian getting crankier and crankier and me getting sadder and sadder. We ended up just getting a coffee/muffin in a little coffee shop. Kassia knew something was up... she was very, very good. Which made me even sadder.

Of all the things I've had to learn these past two years, I think the balancing act has been the hardest... and the one I screw up most often. Being a mom takes up soooo much of my mind and energy that I'm afraid I neglect the rest of my life.

7.25 and not even on the train yet. I should be getting my coffee by now. I can hardly believe that i'm the same person who used to take the 6.10 train every morning. My life was scheduled to the minute... And it was easy!!! Sometimes so easy it was boring... Heavy. My life is still scheduled to the minute; but it's definitely not easy anymore. I'm not busy anymore; i'm buried. More tasks in a day than minutes. Sometimes I crave those utterly predictable, surprise-free, strangely comforting days when my life was simply mine, and if I missed a deadline, chances were i'd be the only one to suffer for it.

7.38 and i'm crossing the river. Summoning my strength for the sprint upstairs to the green line.

3.52. On my way home early because of the snow. Enough extra time to dig out the car and shovel the steps before I go to pick up Kassia.

I'm tired. I need to escape... Just for a day. I haven't had a whole day off since Kassia was born. If everything didn't hurt so much, it might be interesting to see how long I can go before I crack.

What a world

At 5:00 a.m. I was awakened by a klunk and a scream. Kassia fell out of bed (even with the safety rail!). It was the first time she's done this, and let me tell you, she did it right... a swan dive straight down on her face. Lots of blood, but no serious injuries -- just two fat lips. The teeth are all there. Sigh.

Needless to say, the morning routine went into a tailspin, but by 8:00 everybody was up, clean, dressed and relatively happy... and since most of my vacation time is already committed to those days when our daycare provider is on vacation or whatever... I had to make the decision to take her to daycare and go to work as usual. She did not want to go. "You stay me!" It just kills me.

Once she got to daycare, she was fine and ran off to play with J., but I still cried all the way to work.Why "what a world"? Because it seems like a miserable world we've made for ourselves... ok... I've made for myself... where I have to decide if a situation is "serious enough" to warrant taking a day off of work, and if I do, knowing that I'll have to pay a price for it later. It's not fair.

Spring Springing

It was finally warm enough to do something OUTSIDE last weekend, so we went so see some of the baby animals at D. Farm. Of course it was back to the deep freeze again yesterday and today, but it was nice to remember what the sun feels like!!

I think Kassia had more fun playing in the mud and melting snow than looking at the animals, but that's ok. She loves the big old mule though :-) She wanted to go over the fence to hug him (!), but had to make do with petting his nose over the top of the fence instead.


We might actually get to 67 next week -- wooo hoooo!!

Acts of Faith

I had that very disturbing conversation with my mother again the other day... It's the conversation that starts off amiable enough but quickly sinks the topic of religion (or lack thereof). From there, we proceed to teary acts of contrition where she apologizes for having "failed" me as a mother, and finally we hit the rocky bottom where she plays evangelist, and I try not to hurt her feelings while I debate her as to the merits of her faith.

We were raised Catholic and Mom is still very devout. I just don't believe it any more. The only thing I believe now is that religion (name your denomination) is the single most destructive force in the world. As for Christianity in general and Catholicism in specific, the myth just doesn't bear up under the weight of historical evidence. (I mean, really... the church fathers didn't even come to a decision on whether they believed that Jesus was Divine until the 4th or 5th century..!) When you add in the elitist, discriminatory aspects... well, I just don't see anything worth having in religion (moral compass, sense of community, etc.), that can't be had elsewhere. Everybody thinks they have the answers. Nobody has the answers. It's all wishful thinking at best and power-driven propaganda at worst.

The real subject of that discussion with Mom was my daughter. She's absolutely frantic that Kassia's not baptized; desolate that she won't make her first Communion at 7. If Kassia wants to pursue a faith when she's an adult, that's fine with me. I will support her in any decision she makes. But I intend to make very sure that she knows all the options before deciding to believe in one. That's not going to be easy. We don't live in a society that responds very well to "I just don't know." in matters of faith.

What I believe is that I am doing the right thing for my daughter. That's going to have to be enough for Mom.

Funny Girl

• J, another little girl in Kassia's daycare bumped her head on a table. The teacher was rubbing J's head, but J said "No, want Kassia to do it!" Whereupon, Kassia went over and kissed the table!
  


• Daycare teacher: "Kassia, don't wipe your nose on your sleeve."
  Kassia: [wipes her nose on the teacher's sleeve]
  


• Daycare teacher: "Kassia , don't put the toy in your mouth."
  Kassia: [sticks the toy up her nose]